Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the can and he says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me," she said.
"Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."

In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."
The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?" One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?" Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson." Little Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."

A father is in church with his young children, including his five-year-old son, Little Johnny. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. Little Johnny was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on his face, Little Johnny turned to his father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"