Little Johnny was going to a public school and he was
doing very badly in maths. So his mother decided to
put he into a Catholic school. When she got his report
card at the end of the term, his marks in maths had
improved tremendously.

So she asked him why. He replied "When I saw that
naked guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant
business"!!

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one
day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his
bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an
attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look
under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously,
"Whatcha ya doin', Dad?"

His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat
go underneath the bed."

Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha ya gonna do,
screw him?"

Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff.
"That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.
Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her butt."

Mom was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied.
"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"

Mom was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied.
"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and theteacher says that an interesting phenomenon ofnature is that only humans stutter, no other animalin the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my caton the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane camearound the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say"FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny,tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. MyMom is a good cook."

Little Johnny was having problems in English class,so his teacher decided to stop by on her way hometo speak with his parents. When she rang the bell,Little Johnny answered.
"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here."
"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad thatthey had t'go bail her out again!"

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny to learn the facts of life. He takeshim to the local house of ill repute, which is frontedby a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, andexplains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customerover the years, I'm going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads himupstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madamsays, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to seethat you get the full treatment before you leave. I'mgoing to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run intothe madam on the main street. Little Johnny is actinga little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, LittleJohnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the ladythat gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernailsso I couldn't scratch 'em."

Little Johnny wanted a job as a signalman on therailway.
He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector asked, "What would you do if yourealized that two trains were heading for each otheron the same track?"
Little Johnny replied, "I would switch the points forone of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said LittleJohnny, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Little Johnny continued, "I'd run back into thesignal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Little Johnny, "I'd rushdown out of the box and use the public emergencyphone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Mother."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why wouldyou do that?"
Little Johnny answered, "Well, Mom ain't never seen atrain wreck before!"

Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yardattempting to fly a kite. Every time the kite wentup into the air, it came crashing down. This wenton for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck herhead out of the front door and yelled, "You needmore tail!"Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut up you BITCH!I told you yesterday that I needed more tail... andyou told me to go fly a kite!"

Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very
first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy
bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom
bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit
a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into
a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel,
he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat
that if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind
for half a minute."

Little Johnny didn't show up at school one day. The next day when the teacher asked him whyhe replied "Our cow was in heat, so I had to takeher to the bull"."How disgusting," said the teacher. "I'm sure yourfather could have done that.""No ma'am, he couldn't have. He only takes careof the sheep..."

Little Johnny is in the toilet with his mum. She's on the can and he says, "Mummy! What's that between your legs?"
"That's where me and daddy were having a fight. He threw an axe at me," she said.
"Fucking good shot," he said, "right up the cunt."

In school the lesson was about the word "contagious". The teacher asked the class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raised her hand and said, "I had the chicken pox and I couldn't go outside and play because it was contagious."
The teacher replied, "That was good. Can anyone else use contagious in a sentence?" One of the boys said, "I couldn't go over my friend's house because he had a cold and my mother said it was contagious." The teacher replied, "That's good. Anyone else?" Little Johnny said, "Last week when we had the snowstorm, my father took the snow blower and blew all the snow into my neighbor's driveway." The teacher was upset and said, "That was a horrible thing to do. And besides, it has nothing to do with the lesson." Little Johnny spoke up, "Yes it does. My father came in the house laughing, saying it will take the contagious to shovel herself out."

A father is in church with his young children, including his five-year-old son, Little Johnny. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. Little Johnny was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.
With a quizzical look on his face, Little Johnny turned to his father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A Doctor was walking down the street and sawLittle Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he wasspilling on the sidewalk.The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't wastethat iodine, I put some on a lady this morning andshe passed a baby."Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell Doc, that'snothing, I put some on my dogs ass and he passeda motorcycle!"

Little Johnny came down for breakfast one morning and asked is grandma,"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

Little Johnny started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again Little Johnny started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then Little Johnny came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."

Little Johnny started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

Little Johnny replied, "Well last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

An exasperated mother whose child was always
getting into mischief, finally asked, "How do you
expect to get into heaven?"

Little Johnny thought it over, "Well," the youngster
said, '"I'll just run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For
heaven's save, come in or stay out!"'