A Doctor was walking down the street and sawLittle Johnny with a bottle of iodine that he wasspilling on the sidewalk.The Doctor said to him, "Son, you shouldn't wastethat iodine, I put some on a lady this morning andshe passed a baby."Little Johnny looked up and said, "Hell Doc, that'snothing, I put some on my dogs ass and he passeda motorcycle!"

Little Johnny came down for breakfast one morning and asked is grandma,"Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

Little Johnny started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied, "They're still up in bed."

Again Little Johnny started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then Little Johnny came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied, "They're still up in bed."

Little Johnny started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"

Little Johnny replied, "Well last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

An exasperated mother whose child was always
getting into mischief, finally asked, "How do you
expect to get into heaven?"

Little Johnny thought it over, "Well," the youngster
said, '"I'll just run in and out and in and out and
keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For
heaven's save, come in or stay out!"'

Little Johnny kept disrupting his Third Grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior; he said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody and I'm very proud of that fact."

"If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

He agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again.

She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

Little Johnny and a little girl were sitting on the porch talking, when the little girl suddenly winked and asked: "Do you want to get undressed so we can play doctor?"

"That's too old fashioned," Little Johnny replied. "Spit out your gum, I want to play President."

The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their minds when thy saw this brick.

Billy said, "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker."

Suzie "I think about our new house."

Then the teacher thought 'Why don't I ask Little Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?'

So she said, "Little Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick?"

Little Johnny stopped carving a big J into his desk and said, "Naked chicks!"

The teacher was horrified "But why, Little Johnny? Why? This is a brick!"

So Little Johnny said "But I always think about naked chicks!"

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."

She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.

"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

So Johnny said, "Asshole."

Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up and asked him what he was doing? Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in the world."

The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"

Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson!"

Dad," said Little Johnny, "we had a spelling contest in school today and I missed on the very first word."

"That's too bad, Johnny." consoled his Father. "What was the word?"

"Posse."

"Well, no wonder you couldn't spell it, fuckhead. You can't even pronounce it correctly."

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling
really depressed. In walked his dad and asked,
"What's up son?"

Little Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get
laid. I'm really horny!"

With that his father pulled $100 from his wallet
and said, "Hear you go son, go in to town tonight
and have a good time."

"Great!" said Little Johnny and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling
good. In walks his old man again and asks, "How
did you do last night?"

Little Johnny answers, "Hey dad, I got laid last
night and I've still got the $100."

"Wow son, how did you manage that?" his father
asked with interest.

"Well," said Little Johnny, "I went in to town like
you told me and I met grandma there and told her
what I was up to and she took me to her place
and fixed me up".

His fathers jaw dropped and he shouted, "What!
You screwed my mother!?"

Little Johnny said, "why not dad? You screw mine!"

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting
of their parents achievements to each other.

Friend: "Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, I have"

Friend: "Well, my father dug it."

Little Johnny: "That"s nothing, have you ever heard
of the Dead Sea?"

Friend: "Yes, I have."

Little Johnny: "Well, my father killed it."

Little Johnny's class was studying about different things and one day the teacher was explaining about the Weather Vane; how it indicates wind direction, etc. She asked if anyone knew why there is a cock on the Weather Vane.

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "I know why they put a cock on it; if they put a pussy up there, the wind would blow right thru it"!

Little Johnny's teacher decided that she would play a game with the children. She would say a letter and they would make up a word to go with the letter. So the game began and she said "A" and Little Johnny raised his hand "ME! ME!"

But the teacher, knowing Little Johnny's foul mouth, thought "No Way he is going to say asshole" so she called on Little Suzy and Suzy replied "A", ant". The teacher replied "Good" and then she said "B".

Little Johnny was getting louder and she thought, "NO WAY if I call on him he will say bitch or something." So she called on Little Billie and he says, "Ball" The teacher says "great!"

The teacher goes all the way to letter R and the only student left WAS Little Johnny so she thought for a few minutes and decided that there was not a curse word beginning with "R"

So she called on Little Johnny and he stood up and said "R .......... Rats........... Big mothers with dicks this long," and he spread his hands far apart.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Little Johnny's father said, "let me see your report card."
Johnny replied, "I don't have it."
"Why not?" His father asked.
"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Little Johnny was walking down the beach, and he spied a
matronly woman sitting under a beach umbrella on the sand.
He walked up to her and asked, "Are you a Christian?"

"Yes." she replied.

"Do you read your Bible every day?"

She nodded her head, "Yes."

"Do you pray often?" the boy asked next, and again she
answered, "Yes."

With that he asked his final question, "Will you hold my
quarter while I go swimming?"