Little Johnny and his dad were on an overcrowded elevator. Suddenly a lady in the front turned around, slapped Little Johnny's dad, and then left in a huff.
"That sure is a nasty lady," Little Johnny's dad said.
Little Johnny remarked, "I didn't like her either, Daddy. She stepped on my toe, so I pinched her butt."

Mom was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied.
"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"

Mom was standing at the sink one morning washing dishes in her gown. Little Johnny came in, raised her gown and looked under it, and she isn't wearing any panties.
Little Johnny asked his mother, "What's that?"
She replied, "That's my beaver."
Little Johnny took another look and said, "Mom that must be one mean Son of a Bitch."
"What makes you say that?" the Mother replied.
"Because he has shit in one eye and blood in the other!"

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and theteacher says that an interesting phenomenon ofnature is that only humans stutter, no other animalin the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my caton the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane camearound the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff!ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say"FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny,tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. MyMom is a good cook."

Little Johnny was having problems in English class,so his teacher decided to stop by on her way hometo speak with his parents. When she rang the bell,Little Johnny answered.
"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.
"Sorry, but they ain't here."
"Little Johnny!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"
"Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad thatthey had t'go bail her out again!"

Little Johnny's father decided it was time for 14 yr. old Little Johnny to learn the facts of life. He takeshim to the local house of ill repute, which is frontedby a beauty parlor.
He introduces Little Johnny to the madam, andexplains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex.
The madam says, "You've been such a good customerover the years, I'm going to see to this personally."
So she takes Little Johnny by the hand and leads himupstairs, where she completes his deflowering.
Later, as they are walking downstairs the madamsays, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to seethat you get the full treatment before you leave. I'mgoing to give you a manicure."
Two weeks later Little Johnny and his father run intothe madam on the main street. Little Johnny is actinga little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, LittleJohnny, don't you remember me?"
"Yes, Ma'am, " Little Johnny stammers, "you're the ladythat gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernailsso I couldn't scratch 'em."

Little Johnny wanted a job as a signalman on therailway.
He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.The inspector asked, "What would you do if yourealized that two trains were heading for each otheron the same track?"
Little Johnny replied, "I would switch the points forone of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said LittleJohnny, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Little Johnny continued, "I'd run back into thesignal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was busy?"
"Well in that case," persevered Little Johnny, "I'd rushdown out of the box and use the public emergencyphone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalized?"
"Oh, well then I'd run into town and go get my Mother."
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why wouldyou do that?"
Little Johnny answered, "Well, Mom ain't never seen atrain wreck before!"

Little Johnny and his dad were in the front yardattempting to fly a kite. Every time the kite wentup into the air, it came crashing down. This wenton for a while until Little Johnny's mom stuck herhead out of the front door and yelled, "You needmore tail!"Little Johnny's father yelled back "Shut up you BITCH!I told you yesterday that I needed more tail... andyou told me to go fly a kite!"